oh errol

STORY OF THE WEEK KITTENS. You know what it is. After a heinous head-twist tackle on Sam Thaiday against the Broncos on Saturday, Cameron Smith is getting his ass hauled before the judiciary this week.

Word on the street is that he might be the one who is sacrificed on the altar of justice to bring an end to wrestling in the league.  Word on the street is also HE’S GUILTY BITCHES, and then the Melbourne fans on the other side of the street, and Mark Geyer, yell back HE’S INNOCENT! A DINGO ATE HIS BABY!  It’s trial by media, mildly hysterical, and I may just love it a little bit.

Oh yeah, put a wig on Cam Smith and he’s basically Lindy Chamberlain.  I mean that metaphorically, and also literally.  Bitch should have had a part in the miniseries.

And since I am completely biased and filled with irrational rage against the Storm, I can’t really give you a balanced take on this.  In fact, yesterday, Intern Brownie totally caught us in the stationery cupboard giggling like schoolgirls and making paper effigies of Cameron Chamberlain to burn out on the patio.  If you’re wondering, by ‘girls’, I also mean John John.  He used his pube trimmings to make a surprisingly realistic beard.  So resourceful.

And it seems, after his one episode of rage, Brownie has gone back to being the voice of reason in the office, because he calmly asked us to stop, and said:

“Everyone knows my thoughts on it but I just think that two weeks out from the grand final isn’t the time to be changing the rules,” Brown said. “Before next season I think they need to sit down … because it’s not just Melbourne that do it.”

DAMMIT I HATE WHEN YOU DO THIS BROWNIE.  Spoil our fun by suggesting that punishing one person for something when multiple other people have gone unpunished may be slightly unfair.  It’s tres infuriating.

Incidentally, it’s also lucky for Cam Smith, because otherwise he’d just be left with Benny Elias protesting his innocence.

“Fair dinkum, if you psycho-analyse every tackle like that, no one would be playing the game,” Elias said.

Benny, honey.  I don’t think psycho-analyse means what you think it means.

But since Brownie is out buying paddlepops for the boys as a thank you for working late, I’m gonna give you my opinion anyway.  HANG EM ALL!  I am done with the wrestle.  It is strangling the game I love.  And if the fall-guy happens to be Cameron Smith, then it could happen to a nicer guy.  Not only the captain of the Globo Gym dodgeball team, but a dirty queenslander.  (As always, apologies to our Queensland and Melbourne readers).  And yes, I am petty and vindictive.  Don’t pretend you don’t love it.

We’ll be gathered around the wireless to find out the outcome tomorrow night.  In the meantime, we sent Lachie to the Shire to monitor the Sharks’ preparation for their clash with Globo Gym this weekend.  We are ever so proud he went on public transport by himself (although we did write his phone number on his hand just in case).

I was expecting him to come back with pics of intense training, team bonding, or Paul Gallen leaving the sports psychologist’s office.  Instead we got Sharks beachside recovery sessions, and something I didn’t really understand involving Brett Kimmorley.  I think Kiki expresses it best in photoshop form.

This had better be part of some raw-food cave-man diet plan that will help you beat the storm, Kimmorley.  That’s all I have to say.

And in the lead up to the semi-finals on the weekend (Warriors ftw!) everyone else is busy having a pissing contest over who has the most feelings.   Honestly has there ever been a league series with so much talk of feelings?  THERE AREN’T MEANT TO BE THIS MANY FEELINGS IN FOOTBALL.  It is a deadset sobstory marathon in league at the moment.  It’s like every team in league is making their tapes to send into Oprah to ask for a Special Oprah Miracle.  Beaver’s retiring! Wiki’s leaving! I used to be obese! My whole family died in a fire!

Sigh. Man up why don’t you kids?  Less whinging, more practising.

If anyone has reason to whinge it’s Anthony Tupou, and I haven’t heard a peep from him.  Not only is he out of the finals and moving to the Sharks (poor baby), Toops also has a broken kidney.  The Warriors broke his kidney!

And apparently they don’t have medical staff or hospital press liaisons in Auckland because the only quote they had about the injury was from Braith Anasta.

Roosters captain Braith Anasta said he was “weeing blood – never a good sign”.

Thanks, Dr. Anasta, for your considered medical opinion.  Now, can I suggest we wrap up this press-conference?  Dr. Anasta has to get back into theatre for his next operation.

That’s all, folks.  Feel better Toops.

And the rest of you kids can leave your praise for Kiki’s photoshop genius in the comments.  She has outdone herself, yes?