oh errol

Because Cripples McGee and I are both:

a) massive nerds,

and:

b) dirty perves,

we took our tracksuited selves to see Prince Caspian at the Rouse Hill Cinema of The Future. (By ‘Cinema of The Future’, I mean in the sense that it has massive seats – for the fatties of the future – and parking spaces that know when they’ve been parked in. AMAZING).

And on the nerdy side, it delivered. Gryphons! Fierce black Centaurs with dreadlocks! Men in velvet tunics and chain mail tights!

But more importantly – oh, the perving. Luckily there are apprently no other nerds in the hills so we had the whole dark cinema to ourselves for a running commentary on how hot a man wielding swords and mortally wounding other men is. Why is it hot? Who knows. We don’t find it hot when men shoot each other in movies, so why do my pants seem to love hand-to-hand combat so much? Even always-the-ugly-brother Edmund starts to look kinda hot after he kicks a man in the face and stabs him in the throat.

And as always, we have a lot of opinions. For all the breeders reading, you can guess by all the stabbing references so far this isn’t really a movie for the kids.

For all the Centaurs reading, Kiki wants me to point out that she is all over the idea of a Centaur boyfriend. Sure they’re not the prettiest boys on the block, but I can’t argue with the fact that it would be handy to have a boyfriend that also doubles as a mode of transport. You wouldn’t even need a car!

And Prince Caspian. Oh, Prince Caspian the vacuous. He’s pretty when he’s sleeping, not so much when he talks. Or moves. Or opens his eyes. When he announced ‘I … am Prince Caspian,’ we cried with laughter. Are Narnian heroes supposed to be Spanish? Or fake-tanned?

Joo made a funny joke! I laff!

Surely Narnian heroes aren’t supposed to be this funny.

Look at his little vacant eyes, darting around, trying to figure out where he is and who all these strange badgers are. He’s the Harry Kewell of Narnian royalty.

His one moment of intellectual achievement in the movie is when a mouse points a sword at his throat and he correctly identifies ‘joo are a mouse!’ (To answer your question, yes mice carry swords in Narnia. Everyone does. Leaving the house without one is like forgetting your house keys over there.)

But clearly the star of the movie is the delectable William Moseley as “High King Peter … the magnificent”. That’s how he introduces himself, and I am not going to argue.

Thankfully, he’s also 21, so we don’t have to feel dirty for checking him out in his wartime British public school uniform. We’d still check him out if he wasn’t, obvs, but it’s nice to be free of external judgment for once.

He’s as pretty as our beloved Zac Efron, but decidedly less homo. Kind of if Zeffie was … a dude. Of if Zeffie didn’t like other dudes. Same highlights!

And as far as the Christian message goes in the Narnia books, we would just like to say that if Jesus actually was a lion, and you could snuggle in his snuggly mane like the kids do with Aslan, maybe people would reconsider the attractions of Christianity. Especially Kiki. What’s cuter than a snuggly golden lion? Just a suggestion, J-man.

To summarise: we laughed, we cried, we creamed our trackies.