kiki
sassy
lozzy
marlo
interns
Filed under: daniel mortimer, fantasy league, footy tips | Tags: Posted by Lozzy
Round 16 already!? Really? Time flies when you’re having fun! Unless you’re a Roosters fan, in which case I imagine time goes pretty slowly when you’re watching your team make their way to the bottom of the ladder. SORRY SASSY. BUT IT’S TRUE RIGHT?
This week we’re going for the double-headed news update again, because things that come in pairs are awesome. Like boobs, or the Morris twins.
pic: Simon Alekna
ERROLTIPS WINNERS BOARD
We haven’t updated you all on our tipping leaderboard for a little while, and it appears that during the break things have actually shifted a bit. There is…wait for it…ONLY ONE DIRTY QUEENSLANDER IN THE TOP 4! Some terrible rounds have bumped Bec, Bree and Baz right outta there (I mean, sorry to hear that guys *shifty*).
Unfortunately at this stage I have no idea who our leader actually is. I think it might be Pete ‘hatecushion’ Murrell’s brother though. Just quietly I think I’d rather one of our regular QLDers to be topping the ladder.
1. Stendec
2. southsydneyrussellcrowes
3. Spinner Howland of Jacksonville Axemen fame
4. Vitlin
As far as Errol HQ tipping goes, Kizzy and I are now sitting on top of each other (tee hee) at positions 14 and 15, Sassy is almost cracking the Top 20 at 25 (and that’s a pretty good effort considering she forgot to put her tips in at least twice), and Marlo (also this week’s winner) has almost made the Top 10 at number 11.
FANTASY LEAGUE
So we still had two byes this week but our teams weren’t looking quite as dire as the week before. Yay for not having many Sea Eagles or Panthers. Speaking of…Wade Graham if you’re reading this and wondering why you aren’t in EITHER of our teams, well it’s because we just can’t fit you anywhere! I’d make a rude joke here but you’re too young. Ask me next year.
The Oh Errol Wildcats
Break out the champagne bitches! The Wildcats have had their best week ever with a whopping 1054 points. Highest score in the league as well! CHAMPIONS! We knew they had it in em.
The Wildcats lineup was so good we didn’t even have to bring in any new recruits this week. Our best performer was Nathan ‘Hindy’ Hindmarsh who gave us a massive 114 points. 114!! It’s a shame we didn’t make him captain and score double, but actual Wildcats captain Benny Creagh did pretty well himself with 78. ALL THE WAY WITH BENNY CREAGH!
But our real shining star is DanDan Mortimer who once again had a stellar week in first-grade AND for the Wildcats. 67 points yaaaay! He really was worth our outrage at his non-inclusion in the fantasy player selection/Sassy’s trip down to the Tele.
pic: Steve Christo
The Hottie McHotHots
Not a great week for the Hotties. 751 points. WHAT WENT WRONG BOYS? We were only missing one player, Matt Ballin – well two players if you count his arse as it’s own person, which I think we should – and all our usual greats such as Tiny Dancer Soward, Hot Bitch Coops and T.Camps were there. Yet not even over 800 points? I am baffled. BAFFLED.
In happier news, Round 14 addition Kevin Gordon is clearly settling in nicely with the Hotties with 64 points, which was also the second highest score in the team. GO KEVVY GO! Personally I think the Tele should change the points system to include an extra 5 every time Kevin smiles. I should email them.
pic: The Sunday Mail
But aside from their less than perfect score, we’re pretty god damn proud of the Hotties. As predicted last week, our gorgeous boys DID beat their opponents The Special Kids. SUCK IT PETE *forks*
And I’m sure next week we’ll be saying the same thing next round when the Wildcats beat him. LET’S MAKE IT TWO IN A ROW BOYS!
Filed under: america fuck yeah, drunken adventures, footy | Tags: Posted by Lozzy Sassy and Kiki
So this is the last part of our Oh Errol American adventure from earlier this year. Ok, that’s a lie. Really, it’s the second last part. However, as the last part involves Savannah and Vegas, this is the last part that we will be describing on the internet. SOZ GUYS.
We’re been saving this bit up until we were well and truly into the league season for 2009 (over here and in the States). A lot of our readers go on holidays over the non-league season and we wouldn’t want all the little lost sheep to miss out.
Basically … you NEED to know about these guys. They call em the Jacksonville Axemen, and this is how the story goes.
After our bizarre jaunt around Disneyworld we jumped into Ron Burgundy – our gigantic, burgundy-coloured, Dodge minivan – and hit the road for Jacksonville, Florida. Why? Well it wasn’t to see Ryan Adams, because as it turns out, his song Jacksonville … not about Florida. Not that that stopped us singing it incessantly. That, and the soundtrack from High School Musical. That shit is great driving music.
He has many leather-bound books and his interior smells of rich mahogany.
Jacksonville is a quaint little beachside city in Florida. Down near the sea it’s full of 50 and 70s style diners and strip malls, and faded bleached-out salt-stained buildings. In the morning and at night the place fills up with fog that washes in off the Atlantic. It’s kinda Central Coast-ish really. It even has, wait for it … a RUGBY LEAGUE TEAM. Fuck off, now that was something we had to see. A league team in America’s wang! It makes sense that they might have them up North where the Yankees play rugby union at college, but in the South? Amazing.
The faithful Ron Burgundy delivered us to Jacksonville Beach right on the eve of Australia Day and found the Axemen waiting at the hotel with a cooler and a playlist of Aussie songs ready to welcome the Oss-tralians. WE HAVE FOUND OUR PEOPLE!
We were so damn excited we bounced about introducing ourselves to every. single. member. of the team … and four guys who just happened to be standing in the foyer and turned out to be US Marines instead of footy players. No wonder they looked confused when she asked where they played.
Much like Hunter S. Thompson, Sassy prefers to conduct all her interviews in hot-tubs.
Let’s just say that the Axemen throw a great clambake. Heh, clam. There were eskies of drinks, an all-Aussie playlist, even giant Aussie flags on the wall.
We even had a special encounter with a couple staying at the hotel. They were just chillin in the hottub having some beers, sitting next to a big pile of clothes … OMG IS THAT PILE OF CLOTHES A BABY? AND IS IT … CRYING? DID YOU GUYS BRING YOUR BABY TO A BAR?
Cut to Sassy and Kiki looking after the kid in the hotel bar while the parents smashed a few drinks. They crooned it Crowded House songs until it finally fell asleep and the parents headed to bed. It totally liked them, especially when the girls sang you’d better be homeeee, sooooooon.
The Axemen apologised profusely and explained to us … ‘we have white trash here in Florida, you know’. We can tell. Also, as if there’s any need to apologise. We’re Australian! We roll with the punches, or something.
Disclaimer: May not be actual Jacksonville sportscaster.
Now in general, Americans aren’t always the most up-to-date with Australian culture. More than once we were told how well we speak English. …. um, thanks?
So you can imagine how shocked Kiki was when, viciously hungover after our Australia Day extravaganza, she was watching the local news and the sportscaster covering the Australian Open said: ‘as a sidenote, it’s Australia Day today down there. Everyone gets drunk and the country pretty much shuts down’.
She ran into Sassy and Lozzy’s room and yelled OMG GUYS, THE FLORIDA NEWS JUST SAID SOMETHING ABOUT AUSTRALIA DAY … HOW WEIRD IS THAT?
We thought how impressive it was that Florida natives know so much about our country, then promptly forgot about it. Until we met Spinner that evening for a sneaky pre-dinner drink. He strolled in, looked at us all, and started cracking up and shaking his head. He deadpanned: ‘you were certainly … memorable last night’.
According to Spinner, Jacksonville’s local sportscaster is a Big Deal. And when he was grandly introduced to Kiki and she grabbed his shoulder and announced:
‘I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE … LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT AUSTRALIA DAY.’
And the rest is history.
Disclaimer: not actual Spinner.
Meanwhile, the reason for the Aussie welcome extravaganza was the one-of-a-kind Daryl ‘Spinner’ Howland. Why is he called Spinner? According to the boys: “you don’t wanna know”. We couldn’t even get Spinner drunk to force him to confess, so you can just make up your own sordid stories. It’s more fun that way. Spinner’s an Aussie living over in the States (and a DIRTY QUEENSLANDER. The crafty bastard didn’t tell us that before we drove for three hours to meet him).
The way he tells it, he had found his way into a college rugby team somewhere up north, and in the middle of a team trip around the South, Spinner had a … well, a big night on the tiles in Jacksonville Beach, and woke up too late and too disgusting to make his plane back home.
So in true Aussie style, he just made the best of it. Necessity is the mother of invention, right? So he set up in Jacksonville, started a footy team with a mate and called them the Axemen.
Truth is, knowing Spinner is kinda like knowing the mafia. Hiring a car? Mention Spinner’s name for a discount. Renting a hotel room? Mention Spinner. Trying to dispose of a body? Um …
Knowing Spinner is also kinda like knowing the big banana. Or whatever. Something that is really well-known and from Queensland. He is unmistakably Australian. In part this is because the back of his car is completely plastered with Australian memorabilia even though we’re 99% sure he is the only Aussie in Florida. Every person in the entire city knows who he is. He’s like a bald-headed Queensland version of the Beatles. Universally recognisable! Plus, he knows Russell Crowe.
We got so dependent on Spinner we became almost incapable of doing things on our own. Every time we got lost we phoned him for directions (and every time we were late he phoned us to ask “are you lost?”). When Kiki had a hangover she reached out her arms and cried SPINNER FIX ITTTTT.
He’s also like the mafia in that if he chooses to, he’s the most generous and considerate guy a blogger could meet. He showed us the best mexican restaurant in town, and the best time we had maybe in the whole of our trip. THANK YOU SPINNER!
When Spinner wasn’t in charge … this is what we ate.
And after spending three weeks dealing with Polite Americans who are appalled when you say ‘Jesus Christ’ or words like ‘vagina’, it was so so nice to see an Aussie man again. Within five minutes of meeting us Spinner was hurrying us up by saying “What the fuck are you doing? I told em you’re Aussies and you don’t take long … so hurry the fuck up! Fair suck of the sauce bottle girls.”
In fact our only gripe with Spinner is that he is quite clearly brainwashing the entire team to support Queensland instead of New South Wales. Surely this is a breach of some kind of coaching or humanitarian law? Anyone?
But let’s talk Axemen. We had to know how the hell any of them ended up playing league. There are a few Aussie imports, and a new Aussie head coach but otherwise it’s all-American. Randy Dewey converted after playing rugby union at his Catholic School, Rich Alleger converted after playing union up north. And in our favourite story of all, Florida boy John Turlington was poached on his very first day of university in Jacksonville. He walked in at abouy 6′4, barefoot, massive, and wearing denim overalls with nothing underneath, and the rest of the Axemen thought … YES. This is the kind of man who needs to play rugby league. They were right.
Turlington: Face of a beauty queen …
… feet of a giant.
And the Axemen are going great guns. After starting only three years ago, the team is already breaking even and about to start turning a profit. This might be because they have brilliant marketers who come up with ideas like $1 beers on game day. It might also be because they have two guys in the team called Apple Pope and Taco Pope. Awesome, right?
Next step is to get the Yanks to start a national rugby league. If they do, the Axemen are sooo in it – just look on the website in the poll on the left. Bitches are miles ahead in the public vote for which cities they want in the comp.
Meanwhile thanks to the ~*magic*~ of technology, now we get to watch the Axemen games even though we’re all the way over in Australia. Just get on the website and click ‘Home’ and ‘JaxAxeTV’ … wheee! You’ll definitely want to watch because the Axemen are currently sitting undefeated on top of the ladder in the AMNRL and going great guns.
WE LOVE YOU BOYS!
And now we’ll leave you with the Jacksonville Axemen’s ad; written by and STARRING one Spinner Howland. Enjoy, babies!
Special thanks to Spinner, Jay, Rich and Jono for squiring us about town. And the rest of you, buy a t shirt why don’t you? We all have the KISS MY JAX shirts and wear them with pride.
And if you’d like to hear what the Axemen think about US, well you can here and here!
Filed under: NSW, anthony watmough, david williams, footy, jarryd hayne, justin poore, queensland, state of origin
Hey Greg Inglis! We got you a little gift. Lotsa love, New South Wales.
Yes THAT IS TOTALLY A TRANSFORMERS REFERENCE. You know that shit is apt. Because the Queensland team are evil Deceptecons (apart from you Steve Price) and we are noble Autobots. Yep yep.
Yeh so we shoulda written this yesterday but we were a) viciously hungover from Marlo’s bday celebrations and b) annoyed at the world. And by world we mean QUEENSLAND. Booooo! As if things couldn’t get any worse, our eyes were subjected to herds of detestable Queensland supporters waddling about Sydney Airport the next day. All clad entirely in maroon. God, why are they so punishing?
This series loss is crap, but we knew it was coming.. By that we mean DAMMIT THOSE QUEENSLANDERS ARE JUST TOO GOOD. Did we really think that our baby blues could beat … pretty much the Australian team? Maybe. In the same way we think there’s a chance we could compete in Miss Universe. We live in a world of immense possibility, after all.
But the dream wasn’t to be. So lets just do a run down shall we?
THE FANS
WE LOVE AUSSIE LEAGUE FANS. There is nothing that brings out the best in people like State of Origin. It’s like … the Olympics for fans. BEST. SIGN. EVER. There’s so much to love about it. I love that it’s actually addressed to Greg Inglis.
We love when fans direct their rage AT the actual players. Like when we went to watch the Roosters lose in dismal fashion against the Tigers at the SFS this season, Mitchell Pearce was standing in the corner in from of us, one irate fan stood up on his chair about three rows back from the field to yell ‘MITCHELL’.
The angryfan was so surprised when Mitchell actually turned around that he couldn’t even remember why he was so pissed and just pointed and shook his finger while making an angry ‘ngggggnnnnnnnnnggghhhhhhh’. It was awesome.
Also, don’t you love the simple fact that someone bothered to make a sign large and intricate enough to include the word BOWRAVILLE? He is so committed.
Possibly the only thing better is that – according to one of our Errol spiez, the lovely Jess – when the Maroons ran out a New South Welshman in a suit mooned them. Pulled on down his pin-striped suit pants and MOONED THEM. I am so proud to be from NSW right now.
THE BIFF
JUSTIN POORE. What a dark horse! First he’s building orphanages in Rwanda, next thing you know he’s whipping up a tasselled bra and smashing Mick Crocker with a right hook in Origin. He is a man of layers. And luckily for us, one of those layers is PUNCHING. Hallelujah!
Exhibit A – J.Punch Poore gets his sexy on
And we have to admit something. With this single act of biff Justin well….he became SEXY. Um hello ripped jersey! We have always adorrrred him, but more in a OMG HE IS SO AMAZING AND PERFECT AND HAVE U SEEN THOSE EYELASHES sort of way. Now his appeal has taken on a whole new dimension. Welcome to the Hot Man Stable Justin baby!
And yes, we know violence is wrong but FOOTY VIOLENCE IS DIFFERENT. We really enjoy watching Anthony Watmough almost magically appear in the vicinity whenever a fight erupts, all full of eagerness and busting to just punch someone. Anyone! He sniffs it out like an enthusiastic labrador diving into the bushes and popping out with an apple core. Heart.
DAVEY HAS NO NO TIMES
Ooooooooh dear. What can we even say? We aren’t gonna describe all of Dave’s fuck ups because well…you guys have eyes right? What we will say is:
a) Watching his distraught face on the TV literally broke our hearts. That shit was BLEAK.
b) Okay yes his mistakes were shockers, but most of the team under performed. If anyone is blaming him for our loss they are delusional.
c) Players have had bad debuts and gone on to be Origin superstars…hello Jarryd Hayne and Justin Hodges! Don’t write him off yet.
d) Guess the bubble had to burst for him at some point. His last 18 months have been somewhat charmed. But wow…what a way to come back to earth. THUD.
e) Even if everyone else in the world is ripping into you…WE STILL LOVE YOU DAVEY! So so much! If you ever need a place to hide out, we can blow up a bed and you can sleep on the floor of Errol HQ.
THE RUNS
K.Hunt is overjoyed at the win; regrets sharing a fork with Nate Myles.
Seriously, Nate Myles = almost as unfortunate as Ben Hannant. Is there anything worse than having it announced to the world that you have diarrhoea? THAT’S RIGHT, PEOPLE. NATE MYLES IN DOUBT FOR ORIGIN CAUSE HE CAN’T LEAVE THE CAN. We love it when embarassing shit happens to Queenslanders, we really do.
BABY HAYNE WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU
Yaaaaay! Go Jarryd-with-a-y! Hayne has often been thought of in the league world as being lazy/arrogant/generally unlikeable. Well forget all that shit coz bitch KILLED IT on Wednesday night. Not only did he score that sweet sweet try (revenge for the video ref debacle of Origin 1) he was also enthusiastic in defence and was probably the Blues best player. WELL DONE MISTER! You get an Errol gold star. Lucky boy.
At this point we would like to make a request.
Queenslanders, we are okay with you winning a record series. It’s hardly a suprise. But please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop pretending it’s about heart, pride or the ‘Queensland spirit’. IT’S COZ YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE AUSTRALIAN BACKLINE FOR CHRISSAKE. Stop being self mythologising fantasists and accept you are just the better team.
See you in Game 3. We look forward to our Trent ‘our new favourite person’ Barrett smashing some more maroon jaws. What whaaaat!
(Pics from the lovely cronkster and GettyImages)
Rep footy is messing with our fantasy teams like you would not believe. Even after I’d shuffled things around to try and accomodate those playing Origin, both the Hotties and the Wildcats were down like 8+ players this week due to all the byes. Shit is ridic. Of course, if we were more inclined to recruit players from the entire NRL and not just a few of our fave teams (sup Dragons!), we might be better off. Whatever. Equality is for losers.
Speaking of Origin, I’d like to talk about my cat for a bit. On Tuesday night my dad bought a carton of XXXX (gross, I know) and it came with a little maroons footy. I wanted to see what my born and bred QLDer cat would do with it, which I guessed wouldn’t be much since her favourite toy is a rolled up piece of tinfoil and this was bigger than her head, so I put it in front of her and she BIT ME. EVEN MY CAT HATES QLD! And everyone knows you can’t argue with cats.
Lawyer Cat has it on good authority that QLD are hateful
pic: Stefanie Craig
THE WILDCATS
Poor Wildcats. 407 points. With the Dragons not playing we were missing Big Dell, Hot Bitch, B.Moz, Hornbag, Tiny Dancer, Benny Creagh and Dean Young. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Those who actually ended up scoring for the Wildcats include Love Shack, baby Blake Ayshford, T.Camps, Jamal Idris, Daine Laurie, Rhys Hanbury, and new Wildcats recruits Ben ‘The Pom’ Pomeroy and Sir Alan Tongue.
Just to clarify – that’s EIGHT scoring players. Eight! I shake my fist at bye weeks, and I shake it good.
THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS
The Hotties were slightly better off than the Wildcats with 11 players actually, you know, playing. Unforch we were down some of our hottest best scorers – Hot Bitch AGAIN, J.Poore, Luke O’Donnell, Heighno…I would go on but my pants can’t handle it. Pants = sad. We is sadvag.
Thanks to some bright young stars, such as Blake Ayshford and Trevor ‘Sex Machine’ Thurling, the Hotties ended up with 571 points. And this just happened to be the 4th highest score in the league. GO HOTTIES GO!
This week the Hotties are playing Pete ‘hatecushion’ Murrell’s team the Special Kids. This makes us laugh because Pete thinks the Errol girls are ‘not funny and not hot’. You know who IS hot (and probably funny since they are footy players)? THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS, BITCH.
JADEWATCH
I was gunna let it slip under the radar, but we didn’t do a fantasy post last week. SOZ. So since this is a bit of a nothing week in terms of fantasy, I’m just gunna post Jade’s Tiny Dancer rundown from LAST week. God we’re professional.
This week the Tiny Dancers managed to get up past the 900 mark once again… finally! Captain David Stagg scored a wonderful 144, followed by Hot Bitch on 95 and Nathan Friend on 94. Good work team! Darren Lockyer was auto-emerged and scored 18. OF COURSE YOU DID LOCKYER. Why is he so shit most of the time? If only Goodwin was put in instead, his 81 would have been must more beneficial. The Tiny Dancers finished on a comfortable 924 points, and will hopefully break the 1000 mark next round.
Here’s to all of us breaking 1000 this week.
DAMN IT, PEOPLE. This shit is getting out of control. First Luke Bailey was ruled out of selection with a fractured arm. Then Luke Lewis with a broken foot-something. Then James McManus with a busted ankle. Then Michael Jennings with a calf injury. Next Robbie Farah’s not training cause his rib in-between bits are sore and Trent Barrett has a jimmy back.
Now Craig Wing has been booted from the NSW Origin team with an itchy sternum or laryngitis or … look I don’t even know what’s wrong with him. I’M NOT A DOCTOR. Anyway it matters not cause he’s not playing. Just the latest in a long line of Blues to bite the dust.
Not so quick, Learoyd-Lahrs.
Except maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Two injuries I could understand. After all, it’s footy, right? Shitty stuff happens. Shit like fractured arms and crushed toes or grabbing peoples wheels or sticking your finger in unexpected places or having your head stapled together on national television.
Trent waits for the voltaren to sink in…
Pic. The Daily Telegraph
… and limbers up.
And Trent Barrett I could understand, too. The man is 31. Sure, in real life that’s young, but in footy terms that’s like making it to 100 … in the 1940s. Those bitches age in straight-up dog years. Plus it’s WINTER. No wonder his lumbago’s giving him issues. But all he needed was a bit of arthritis cream and he’s right. Tony Ayoub’s been driving up to Magenta Shores to grease up his old joints and now the old dogs’ fit enough to go back to his training routine of lifting medicine balls and running the four minute mile.
But SEVEN INJURIES? Fuck me. Shit is ridiculous. It’s like the blue death. Or having a whole team of Rod Wisharts. Or that baseball episode of the Simpsons. The second someone is tipped for Origin II they fall under a bus or get gigantism or fall into the Springfield Mystery Spot. IT SUCKS. Before we know it Daryl Strawberry will be Captain of the Blues and I will top myself.
THIS IS THE WORST ORIGIN EVER. Even the boys look like they think so.
… Cept maybe for T.Camps. His spot is getting might close to being empty again.
Injuries? There are injuries? PICK ME! I’M READY!
Although it’s entirely possible that Andrew Johns will just step in. He’s been filling in all week up at Blues camp and HE ALREADY KNOWS ALL THE MOVES.
Meanwhile there might be something else going on here. Considering that 85% of my Roosters team is also currently injured, I can only conclude one thing: somehow, I have displeased the Gods, and they are now wreaking their mighty vengeance.
Eh, we’ll just take the win.
I dunno how exactly you fix that. I did see this episode of Anthony Bourdain No Reservations where he knelt down and banged a little bell and apologised to the Universe for all the pigs he has eaten in his lifetime. So I’ll try that, but in the mean time, I’ve just lined up another shadow player:
I KNOW RIGHT? PERFECT! She’s super fast AND she’s tres enthusiastic. And yes … that is my dog. She’s a retired greyhound named Dolly Parton. Plus she’s only 1! Hello planning for the future! If we lose another winger she is all over this shit. (And let’s face it, we probably will. Those blues are dropping like flies).
See? Billy Slater totes looks terrified. Dolly Parton’s gonna be a menace in blue. CALL ME IF YOU NEED HER, CRAIG BELLAMY.
And if you’re wondering what the Maroons have been up to while the Blues were shattering their bones and muscles of glass … well, they’ve been doing what they do best:
Down and dirty and KEEPIN. IT. REAL.
So, predictions please? Who’s winning it and by how much?
As always thanks to the fab BS for the caps. Mwah!
You know who you are.
We are sure you posting threatening, harassing and intimidating comments anonymously on Errol makes you feel like an awesome human being. Congratulations.
Pretty simply, what you are doing is illegal. The police have been informed and action is currently being taken against you.
And for anyone else out there that thinks this sort of fuckery is amusing, it isn’t. It is a serious matter and we are treating it as such. If anyone else decides to partake in this sort of behaviour, they too will be reported to the police.
Pic. Getty Images
It’s official. God hates the Roosters. We are the Bulldogs of 2009.
Seriously LOOK at Sam Perrett’s face. That is not the face of a man who’s being dealt a good hand by the Gods. Lozzy says it looks like a Tarot card … one of the really bleak ones where the universe is telling you that a fridge is gonna drop on you or you have chlamydia.
I think it looks like the face of someone who’s been through the frogs and gnats plagues, and is starting to get scared about what other plagues God has in store. There are ten? Shit!
And this is the bit where I would talk about what happened in the weekend game against the Cowboys … cept at 7.30 I kinda fell unconscious asleep on the couch and missed the whole thing cause I have tonsilitis and a fever like woah. Um, sorry boys. I feel so guilty. I feel like somehow they must know I didn’t watch. It’s not cause I don’t love you, babies! I do! It’s totally not their fault that I have tonsils of death and am too scared to go have them taken out even though my whole family keeps pestering me about it. Operations are scary, k?
But I wanna talk about my boys anyway.
Sure they lost the last two games, but after losing the four games before that I’m kind of immune to disappointment. Notching up one more is like waking up and seeing the sky is blue. At least they played with some passion, right? I definitely saw commitment. Also, I saw them do some things that were competent and effective. Amazing!
Last week when they played the Titans I almost EXPLODED with pride. Even though about 85 of our players are injured (as opposed to just Minichiello, like usually) the Roosters were chances. Is there any sweeter word?
Well probably ‘winners’, but not for the Chooks. Let’s be realistic.
Admittedly at one point Braith Anasta bounce-passed the ball to Mitchell Pearce, then Mitchell got penalised for throwing the ball away pissily like John MacEnroe … doesn’t that sum up the Roosters’ year? When does that ever happen? God my team are losers.
But the rangas in the team were on fire. Ben Jones made some awesome plays (and scored this week too), Love Shack was his lovable self (and scored this week too), strawberry blond Maubs got over the line and Ranga Tom Symonds proved that good footy players can come from the East too.
For reals, Tommy is a Bondi junior player. You’re not alone anymore Cherro! There are now two actual Easts Juniors in the team. It’s deadset like seeing Dodos playing in Roosters jerseys. It’s a miracle!
It also makes me think how awesome it would be if my plan eventually came true and we could end up with an all-ranga Roosters team. THE RED ROOSTERS. They would be unstoppable. Also, perfect for a Red Rooster mini-NRL figurine promotion. Sadly Love Shack has signed with Parramatta now and ruined his chance to be part of it. DAMN YOU LOVE SHACK.
More importantly, my Chooks looked splendid in their Women in League round jerseys. I love that they went with the bright pink numbers with navy on a white background. The colours were very Doo.Ri Spring/Summer 2009. MY BOYS ARE SO FASHION-FORWARD.
So pretty!
But the funtimes of the last two weeks of the Roosters sucking-less-than-usual have come to a crashing halt. Cap’n Braith Anasta (you can tell which one he is by his little Captain’s hat) broke his ankle against the Cowboys and can’t play for the whole rest of the season.
……………………
WE REALLY ARE THE 2008 BULLDOGS REINCARNATED.
Seriously, is there anyone left in the team now who is over 21 and not injured, other than Craig Fitzgibbon? Shit is getting ridiculous. It’s like Foil Fitzy is running a daycare centre now. I imagine he would be like Arnie in Kindergarten Cop, dragging all the little chooks around on his biceps and making them do military drills while he makes them his organic healthy meals and confiscates their chocolates. THEY WILL ONLY MAKE YOU FAT, ANTHONY CHERRINGTON.
Not to mention that we mght be kind of screwed without Cap’n Anasta. In most of our games Braith Anasta’s crotch is man of the match. Sigggggh.
And the worst thing is we’re not even an upgrade on the Bulldogs in terms of our shit fortunes. They got an international manhunt, we get … Blind Freddy. At least international manhunts are fun! I was a bandit for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego as a kid.
Meanwhile, after hearing the drunk Brad Fittler story, my mum feels bad for him. She’s stayed in that hotel for work and says considering that it’s ROUND shaped, and reception is on level three for some ridiculous unknown reason, getting lost in there while sober is an easy mistake to make. She says it’s like trying to find your room in a slinky. If anything, Freddy’s a victim of poor architecture. WHEN WILL THE ARCHITECTURAL MADNESS STOP?
So, really, God AND architects hate the Roosters. Don’t worry, I still love you boys.
Filed under: beau scott, ben hornby, brett morris, darius boyd, footy, jeremy smith, justin poore, matt cooper, matt prior, st george dragons, wendell sailor, women in league
So as y’all know, June is dedicated to Women in League. Why? Because ladies who love league are awesome. It’s a universal truth.
So to raise money for breast cancer, my beloved Dragons didn’t stop with the wearing of the Pink V. Oh no. My babies went ahead and….wait for it…decorated bras. Yes, my boys are not just awesome footy players, they are now also lingerie designers. So multiskilled!
It’s like when I participated in my highschool’s production of Into The Woods as a dancer, costume designer and manufacturer (fairy wings were my speciality) AND a gun makeup artist. Do you know how hard it is to create convincing wolf makeup on a public school budget? We were straight up deprived. I also had to share a dressing room with the male leads because and I quote ‘the dancers won’t mind getting changed in front of boys’. OH OKAY THEN.
Errr anyway. Let’s take a look at some of my boys’ booby creations shall we?
Unsuprisingly, Darius Boyd has gone the red tassels in the nipple area. I don’t know why I find his choice is so predictable, I just do. I can actually imagine him whacking on the bra, swirling the tassels around and giggling like an idiot. All while ‘Cherry Pie’ by Warrant plays in the background. Yep.
Justin Poore, a tassel lover? Now this IS a suprise. He seems so….chaste. And you think you know someone!
Dell’s is so disco! Hardly a shock considering his pre-game dance warm up. Did you all see it last week? One word – AMAZING. You just know he is listening to ‘Earth, Wind and Fire’. Sing it with me kids! Bad-de-ya…say you do remember, bad-de-ya…dancing in September.
[Kiki and I disagree on this if you're wondering. My guess is he was rocking out to Kool and the Gang. Get yo back up off the wall! - S]
I’m not quite sure why Jeremy Smith and Luke Priddis were forced to do this activity as a pair. Either way, that bra is outright hideous. Where is the design vision in this, hmmm? You would think with not one but TWO brains they could come up with something a bit less visually offensive than that. This is some broke-ass stripper from Kalgoorlie shit right there.
HAHA Hornbag! Oh my. Why is he so cute? And why did they give him such a tiny bra? Are they insinuating if he was a lady he would be flat chested? I love the dainty way he’s holding it, like it’s a historical artefact and he doesn’t want to cause it any harm with the acidity of his skin.
ps – Hot damn, that’s alot of red fluff. It looks like Elmo road kill.
MATT PRIOR WHY YOU SO MAD? Did Dell steal the last of the sequins or something? Or are you shitty you got a giant nanna bra? I enjoy the placement of the roses in the shape of crucifixes. Fabric flowers for Jesus! This photo is amazing x 1000 and I am going to print it out and put on the ‘Wall of Lolz’ in our offices.
AWWWWW BRETTY! Why you so cute baby? Squeeee! Look how proud he looks. Like a cat that just dropped a headless bird at your feet. It has feathers and everything! New from Bonds – The Dead Bird Bra, by Brett Morris.
Aaaah Beau Scott and his ruffles. Look at the work that’s gone into that bra! It’s so…neat. I bet Beau was the star of his Year 8 Home Economics class. Who woulda thought that such an aggressive player would be so particular when it comes to craft?
Hot Bitch are they … are they butterflies in the shape of V’s? REALLY? Lolz 4evaaaaa. Who know Coops had such delicate sensibilities. The thought of that sex machine of a man hunched over a bra gluing on fabric butterflies with a hot glue gun is literally the funniest thing in the entire world.
Now, I have made fun, because well … this is Errol. But I am so so proud of my club for doing something so adorable and altruistic.
The bras are being auctioned off and all the proceeds go to Joanne McKay Breast Cancer Foundation. The foundation was set up in memory of the late Joanne McKay, wife of ex Dragons legend, Brad, who sadly lost her battle with cancer in 2002. Go and check out the auction.
ATTENTION EVERYONE! Did you know it’s Errol Flynn’s 100th birthday?
Yes, that’s right, our legendary hero Mister Flynn would have turned 100 years old today if he hadn’t you know….passed away 40 years ago. Something tells us if he did make it a whole century he still woulda been drinking, womanising and being generally amazing. He woulda made Hugh Hefner look like a deadset amatuer.
Tasmania is currently in the midst of celebrations and needless to say, so are we! Work Experience boy Lachlan Coote is FINALLY over 18 so he is currently sipping on a guava Vodka Cruiser (we offered him light beer but he thinks it tastes ’yucky poo’). Intern Danny Wicks is celebrating by back flipping across the office with party pie in hand.
And as you can see from above, our beloved Intern John-John is paying tribute to Errol’s most famous character, Robin Hood, by wearing nothing but a hat, a mo and a smile. Doesn’t he look dashing? We think Mr Flynn would be proud.
Filed under: billy slater, cameron smith, footy, queensland, state of origin | Tags: Posted by Sassy
So it has come to my attention that some people who read this blog are …. what’s the word? Queenslanders. Oh, yes. I remember it well from my two trips to Queensland in the last few weeks. Apparently every single ad on tv in the entire state has to mention that word about EIGHT TIMES. Queenslanders … looking after Queensland. The insurance to deal with what Queensland throws at you. The Queensland bank you can trust.
KILL ME NOW.
I’m starting to wonder if they do it for the same reason they invented the infamous State of Origin ‘Queenslander’ chant: so they can remember where the hell they’re from. Those three syllable words can be tricky.
What was my point?
Oh yes, Queenslanders have trotters State of Origin is just days away. So the boys we don’t go for have put on their hideous maroon training gear and are busy getting ready for Origin II. How are they doing this, you ask? Well not, as you would guess, by living in huts they crafted from paperbark and training with footballs they have sewn themselves. Although I’m sure they’re still keepin it real.
Oh no, instead Mal and the crew took them back to the facility to be tuned up and detailed, all shiny and ready to go for the next match.
I KNEW IT. Ever since guest-blogger Bec told me, I knew it! They is robotsssss. Robots with human covers. And greatest athlete Billy Slater is their leader. Can’t you just imagine the day he was born? Bursting forth from his pod like Neo in the Matrix.
IT’S A BOY!
I can’t believe it was all so simple. No wonder I was never fond of the Melbourne Storm … the team is stacked with Queensland cyborgs. Can a human really love an imitation human? I haven’t seen Lars and the Real Girl so I have no idea. Let’s say no.
Cam Smith has the new Captaincy learning program installed (Lockyer’s gonna be out of service eventually).
Folds away for easy storage.
Crocker after his yearly buff-n-wax. So shiny!
… the Steve Price even comes with mix-n-match accessories.
Extra aggression apps for JT.
Word on the street is that Mal is also a little bit nervous about Joel ‘Big Red’ Monaghan being added to the NSW team after Michael Jennings was ruled out with injury.
Jennings packs his things and leaves the State of Origin house immediately. He thinks Cassi the bogan will win.
Pic. Brett Costello
“… big Joel, he’s got experience, he’s been there before, he’s a really rock solid player and very good in the air obviously and a good talker.”
NO ARGUMENT THERE, MAL. Monas never shuts up. He especially never shuts up when he’s taking the piss out of me. When I asked him the other night at Magenta Shores if he and Jarrod Croker share a hairdresser with the Aussie cricket team he came back with “… like you and Andrew Symonds?’
DAMMIT. I GOT BURNED BY MONAS AND MARIO FENECH IN ONE DAY. My life sucks.
Like the blues, burned three times by the maroons. FOURTH TIME’S THE CHARM. Till next time, kittens.
